


Analytical Reasoning

by GhostGreenSigns



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-28
Updated: 2015-02-28
Packaged: 2018-03-15 13:29:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3448904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostGreenSigns/pseuds/GhostGreenSigns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam thinks he may be going crazy when he starts to see Jess around the bunker.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Analytical Reasoning

Sometimes he feels like a monk while he works in the library. Dean's keeping his distance from him, like he's worried that if Sam breathes the wrong way it could set him down a one-way road to fratricide. He tries not to take offense but he feels like somehow even this is his fault. He keeps looking for cures but he knows there is a very real chance that there aren’t any. He isn't sure how to just stop looking though. Neither of them had ever been any good at giving up in the face of pre-destined death sentences.

“You aren’t a monk.”

But he feels like it. Pouring his life into these books and his work. Trying to make sure that the next generation of hunters are better, smarter, more organized. If he could create a database full of monsters and mythology, of lore and networks, maybe fewer people would have to die. Fewer families would be shattered. He has so much to atone for.

“No, you don’t.”

He saw Dean throw that bottle of whiskey across the room the other day. It shattered and Dean did too, momentarily. He watched it crash against the wall before kicking a chair into submission, clenching and unclenching his fist, tensing the mark each time. Cas wasn’t there. 

Sam wonders when they will come talk to him. If they will. Maybe they feel like they need to hide it from him, in all his monk-like celibacy. He sees them, brushing hands in the hallway. He hears them sneak out of each other’s rooms early in the mornings. He wishes they would talk to him about it. He wants to tell them he is happy for them.

“So just tell them.”

And now he’s going crazy.

“You aren’t crazy.”

“You’re dead. You aren’t a ghost.”

“Nope. Not a ghost.”

“Then I’m crazy.” Sam says, alone in the library.

“You aren’t crazy and you aren’t a monk.”

Jess smiles at him from across the table. It’s the same smile she used to give him when he had spent too much time studying. It’s mischievous and uncontrollably sexy. 

“Jess, what are you doing here?”

“Helping you study.” She picks up a book and licks a finger dramatically to turn a page. “Do you want to start with logical or analytical reasoning?”

“Logical. You’re dead.”

“Analytical. I’m dead but I’m sitting across from you.”

If he hadn’t gone with Dean that night, would she still be alive? If he had just said no, been a bit more persistent, what would his life look like?

“The answer is…” She flips through the book. “The same. The timelines may be altered but you would still be descended from a familial line that is hell bent on killing each other.” She lays the book down and grabs his hand. “So please stop worrying about the past.”

“I miss you.” He says.

“I’ve been here the whole time.”

“Why can I only see you now then?”

“You need reassurance. You feel left out by what’s happening upstairs with your friend and your brother. By the fact that Dean's avoiding you and they don't want to come clean to you yet. You feel like everything is out of control.”

“It is.”

She leans back, moves her hair. Sam can smell her shampoo and it makes a knot in his stomach that twists so hard he could cry. 

“Remember when we first met? I kept trying to talk to you in class and you’d answer with these lame two word responses. It was so obvious you weren’t there to meet a girl." She rolls her eyes. "Remember what you told me after I warmed you up a bit? You told me that you were there to change your fate?”

He remembers. 

“You were the underdog, Sam. A scholarship kid with an amazing test score. You got in on your own, you excelled on your own. You changed your fate.”

“No, I didn’t. Here I am.”

“Your fate was to be the Yellow Eyed demon’s little prodigy. Your fate was to be Lucifer’s vessel and start the apocalypse. But here you are, still scholarly and full of compassion, trying to make the world a better place. You've always outsmarted fate and your brother is too damn stubborn for fate. If anyone can figure out how to beat all this, it’s you two.”

“And you’ll be here?”

“I’ve always been here and I’m not going anywhere.”

He stares across the table at her. She's just the way he remembers her. 

“Have you been to heaven?”

“I have, off and on.”

He wants to ask what her heaven look like but he doesn’t think that’s allowed.

“Why did you come back?”

“You needed me and before you start feeling guilty, I needed to make sure you were ok.”

Sam can't stand it anymore. He goes over to her. She looks real, he can smell her, feel her. She throws her arms around his neck. They stand there, feeling the weight of each other again and everything is calm for the first time since she died. 

“Your hair is ridiculous.” She says into his shoulder. He laughs and hugs her tighter. “Don’t ever change it.”

He cups her face and kisses her gently, afraid that she’ll disappear if he’s too rough. She's a piece of a home that he lost, the life he gave up. He doesn’t want to lose that feeling again. 

She pulls away and kisses his nose like she used to when they woke up early in the morning for class. 

“I have to go for now. This whole being physically realized thing is pretty tiring.” 

He fights the urge to hold onto her and refuse to let her go. She stands on her toes and kisses him again. 

He watches her as she walks away, the whole time holding back protests, trying to figure out ways to promise to bring her back. She turns to look at him and he can see her fading a bit around the edges. 

“Sam, it’s our study spot, under the big tree. The place where you told me you loved me for the first time while we worked on Dr. Mater’s reading. It’s fall and I’m waiting for you to get out of your interview.”

“I’ll meet you there.”

“Don’t rush.” She smiles again before turning the corner, leaving Sam standing alone with the smell of her still clinging to his shirt.


End file.
